Dealing with Death

 

Once upon a time funerals were events our parents went to, we just needed to be told who had died. So many things in my life have become more real with age. Ten years ago they were nonentities that grownups spoke of but sadly today they have become regular “have to be dealt withs” in my life.

More often than not, our presence wasn’t even required at funerals. Now death is so real it could literally be behind the corner. It could be anyone; a parent, a close friend, a distant relative. And because we have been around for more years, people have become more valuable, the number of memories we share have increased.

My maternal Grandmother- vaChifedza

Today not only is your presence required at funerals but your emotions are too. Voluntarily or involuntarily we have become participants and spectators of death and funerals alike. No longer is death an abstract occurrence that has no bearing on our existence.

My grandmother passed away on Thursday 28th June, 2012. She was 83. Her death is an issue I am only addressing now. I am not heartless; I love that woman to the core. I received the message through a FB post by my cousin

There it was. A short and precise message: Mbuya vashaya.

If I ever get struck by lightning; I will probably react in the same manner. Too shocked to move or react. It was only after I called my mother to pass my condolences that I was signaled back to earth. Chakatashava yava Gumi was no longer with us. At that moment I immediately went on with my design work and now that the semester is over; there’s nothing to fill that part of my brain which is over active.

I haven’t mourned the death of my beloved grandmother since I received the news 24days ago. I have nothing to keep me busy now and divert my attention besides the silence of trying to study for exams and that voice in my head. The countless visits at her place keep playing in my head on a big screen 3D TV. The sound is Dolby surround; Blue Ray quality. The way she sung that song “Tariro” and the way she played the drum. The countless people who stopped by to just greet her; wait for their buses or simply collect their Red Cross donations. Everyone had to get a plate of food before they left.

Back at home; mum spending 2hours on the phone with her after I spend my fair share doing my Shona homework with her on the phone. The perfect scores I got the next day as a result of her patience and help. We would load up in the car each important holiday; Christmas Easter and Heroes to have our road trip. Round trip Masvingo- Chivi GP-Takavarasha-Zvishavane. I will forever cherish the good times with her.

I know she wouldn’t have lived forever but I would have preferred the chance to be the in the end days. I haven’t healed from losing my paternal grandmother a year and 5months ago and dealing with death has never been my thing. Both my grandmothers have passed on in a period of less than 15months. I am just so angry.

The Lady in white is my paternal grandma

The thought that I have no sweet old lady to call grandma kills me. The conversations; the way they spoiled me; and the fact that they have been there all my life to be prematurely erased from my life pains. It feels like having the earth pulled from your feet.

I am just so angry. I am angry with this world. With the cycle; you live and you die. What about the people who are left behind to suffer the pain? It is unfair. Years of memories and growing attached to people only to have them ripped from you? It is a pointless game at the end of the day. Maybe we shouldn’t get too attached; that way – when they depart it won’t hurt as much. This might sound childish as you read it; but for the first time in almost 4weeks – I have had the chance to cry. 

As I let it out I realize that; it might be a blow in my life. A huge dent which will never be fixed and nothing in this world can cover but outside it’s the same old life. People carry on with their business; I still had to attend classes. I had stay strong and portray the regular bubbly me, But deep down inside - I HAVE BEEN JUST SO ANGRY.close to BITTER and yet Life goes on regularly for everyone else but as I sit in this bed at 4.35am and type away my hurt I verge on asthma attacks from finally letting it all out.

RIP Mbuya