Real Honesty in Love and Relationships

Heidi Klum and Seal are getting a divorce. Last week it was Katy Perry and Russell. People just don't  take their wedding vows seriously anymore. Maybe the vows need a touch up. As a result of dishonesty in love and relationships nowadays , I sought to give a sample of what honesty in a marriage ceremony would entail. Here goes:

We are gathered here in the presence of God and men to join these people in holy matrimony. We know they have been sleeping together in secret but now that can do it with the knowledge of everyone.

And as marriage is holy, at least in theory, I put it forth that if there is anyone in this gathering who has a valid reason why these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your peace.

 Anyone?

 Is there anyone?


C'mon, he must have slept with some of you?



 Someone?[needy voice]

Anyone?

I know someone here has slept with her too?

Well, I guess they were all one night stands.

Moving on. Mr. Groom, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded bride, to love to cherish and to hold, to listen to her whining halfway through the night, always suck up to her father, to always lose an argument or else suffer the consequences, to listen to unending lies about her having a headache when you really need to release steam, put up with PMS, sometime faked;  till death do you part?


I DO

This is followed by low pitch whistles and yeah's (from the guys) and aww's, whooa's  and screaming (from the bride's girls)

Very well.

And do you Miss Bride; take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love to cherish and to hold. To cook for, clean up after, give up watching soaps and anything interesting when there is football, find the toilet seat up every time, Clean pee of it, take care of  kids alone, house his parents, Serve his friends during any important game for all the days of your life?

  
I DO 

Again; Low pitch whistles and yeah's (from the guys) and whooa's,aww's  and screaming (from the bride's girls)

Well then, I pronounce you husband and wife.

What God has joined, let no man, neighbor, handsome workmate, barmaid, beer brand, ex's, in-laws, milkman, gardener, driver or sexy secretary put asunder.

You may kiss the bride



If I were the one getting married; in my Shona culture ini hangu Mukaranga ; this is the part were my very capable friends, in-laws, aunties and Church mother break into Ululation and Dance. Leave the whistling to my uncles and the drunks who would have gate crashed my big Day. Tambourines and the whole lot from the church support group 

*Note: I did not mention my darling mum as part of the ululating squad as this is a skill she never mastered .She doesn't even bother trying as is is aware that she sucks. I've had walk down the stage on Prize giving days with her shouting "Mwana wangu iyeye" instead of the tradition mhururu.


Now THAT is what I call honesty in a relationship.

                                                                             Lovies

                                                                            

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